The Story of Me Part 3

 Ok so we left the last on a bit of a cliff hanger.... 

In the fall of 2016, Bethany and I got married and we decided that it would be best for me to go back to school. I still wanted to finish my degree and we wanted to be done with it before we started a family, and the best way to do that was to head back to Alaska Bible College. At that time we told the board at Good News Camp that we were planning on leaving at the end of the summer of 2017. They all agreed that that was a good plan, as it would help with the transition to new staff that hopefully would be coming in to replace Jeff and I (as Jeff was leaving as well). 

All was well and good until early 2017 when my paychecks just... stopped. Long story short camp had run out of money and so the financial support that I had raised for my own pay was going to keep heating buildings and electricity going. Camp had begun bringing in more money under Jeff and I, but it had been too little too late. 

Spring of 2017, not having the incoming money that we were expecting in order to move to Alaska in the fall and having decided that we could not run camp at Good News for the summer without being able to guarantee paychecks for summer staff, we found ourselves up a creek without a paddle. So that May I turned in my resignation letter to the camp and we ended up "walking down the road with our hobo packs asking for a job" (at least that is what Dan, the Director of The Springs liked to say). We ended up heading to The Springs, another camp that we had built a good relationship with over the past 3 years that was just 3.7 miles up the road. Our original plan was just going to be for the summer, then heading off to school, but God had better plans in mind. In our conversations with Dan and Martha, the director and his wife, we found out that they were re-doing the internship program at The Springs for the next year. They were working with different colleges to allow you to do practical learning courses at the camp for college credit. This sounded like a waaaaay better plan for my ADD brain than going back to a traditional college. They also had an office manager position that had been budgeted, but had yet to be filled. So lo and behold Bethany and I stayed at The Springs, I started as an intern and transitioned into the program director position after a year and Bethany as the office manager. I graduated through the internship after a few years with a bachelors in Bible and Theology.

Everything was going pretty good honestly until 2020 hit. On February 16th Talia Emery decided that she wanted to appear right in the middle of camp's Marriage Retreat. Everything went without a hitch and Bethany and I found ourselves the parents of an adorable little girl right before the covid shutdown started. However, something just didn't seem right, but our concerns were dismissed as us just being new parents and not important in the scheme of things...until they tracked her losing weight at around 4 months. The next 2 year was spent going to lots of specialists ranging from GIs to dietitians to allergists. After having to avoid a ton of food (Bethany then eventually Talia) we were finally able to pin down that she is severly  allergic to dairy and eggs (possible anaphylaxis). This whole process was (and continues to be) extremely stressful for both Bethany and I, but it truly helped us learn to rely on God with our kids. So much that they go through and experience is truly out of our control, but not out of God's control. It also helped me realize just how much God truly does love us. As soon as Talia was born the love both Bethany and I felt for her was immense. She hadn't done anything to earn or deserve that love, but it was there. Through all of her health struggles and injuries there have been countless times that I wish I could have taken the pain and struggle for her. It is incredible to think that our Heavenly Father loves us so much more than that... 

A couple years later Barrett was born! The ridiculous love for that new little infant was there, but there was also something else. Both Bethany and I didn't realize just how much our experiences with Talia had left us with some PTSD that led to a lot of stress and anxiety around Barrett's health as an infant. We would over analyze everything trying to make sure none of the things that happened with Talia happened to him.  

The Springs was an amazing place, we loved (and still love) the staff there, and they are like a second family to us. But after 6 summers it was time for us to leave. In 2022 we were still trying to figure out Talias diet as, on top of her allergies, she also has multiple food intolerances as well that were causing other health issues as well as her quirky personality that just requires a little extra. At the time I was also struggling with some extreme anxiety and depression. The last few years had really piled up on me and I had never really found a healthy outlet for it. Over the course of our vacation in the spring of 2022 Bethany and I both decided that, as hard as it would be, we needed to step away from The Springs for the sake of my mental health, and also to help us take the time we needed to figure out Talia's health. With everything that was going on we didn't feel like we could give ourselves and our kids what they needed while still living the crazy life that is camp. So in October of 2022 we packed all of our belongings into the back of a truck and a trailer and moved to Arizona!

The Story Of Me Part 2

 Ok so, you know those days where you really don't know what to do? Well at this moment that was my whole life. I had this fiery, renewed passion for God, but I didn't really know what to do with it. So at the end of the summer I went back home. I had a seasonal job for a few months, and around the end of that time my Dad announced that he had gotten a job offer to go work for the Army Department of Works on a tiny tropical island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Due to me not having any plans at the time, and not being finically independent, I tagged along.

However, it was a very, very small island controlled by the US military and I was over 18 and didn't have a job... so I got kicked out of my parents house by the military. Not really knowing where to go or what to do, I returned to Camp Li-Wa for the summer as the guy SALT (Teen guy volunteers) counselor. It was an amazing summer. I was able to teach and learn a lot; it gave me some direction and instilled a love for youth and camp ministry (I also began dating Bethany at the end of that summer, but I digress). At the end of that summer I headed down to Palmer, AK where Alaska Bible College had just moved their campus, to begin pursuing a degree in youth ministry.

While attending ABC I remembered just how much I didn't like school, but nevertheless I was determined to graduate. However, in February I got a random message from Jeff Winell, whom I had worked under at Camp Li-Wa. He had just started as the director at a small Bible camp in Michigan and was wondering if I would be interested in the program director position. I talked with some pastors and some of my professors at ABC and all of them encouraged me to go, so I packed up the few things I owned and moved to Michigan.

The position was part paid and part support, so the camp board gave me until the end of the summer to raise the required support. We were getting close to the end of summer and I had exhausted all of my resources. I had sent out support letters, messaged people, talked to people, and done everything a good little support raiser is supposed to do... but I was still $100 dollars a month short. 

I was sitting in the office one morning, doing my devotions and watching this robin flying back and forth, pulling worms out of the ground and taking them up to its nest. It just so happened that I was reading through Matthew at the time, specifically Matthew 6:25-29

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these." 

I realized that everything I had been trying to do had been under my own power and I wasn't giving it up to God. So I went out and spent some time in prayer, asking God for His help, because if this truly was where he wanted me, I needed Him to provide. As I was headed back into the main area of camp, there was an older couple that was coming to pick up some lawn mowers for repair. They stopped me and asked how everything was going and specifically how my support raising was going. I was honest with them, told them I was short of what I needed, but I knew that if God wanted me here long term then He was going to provide. I didn't think much about the interaction until a week later when the couple returned the lawnmowers. While they were there they handed me an envelope with the exact amount I needed to finish raising to stay on full time.

The three years I spent at Good News Camp were filled with stories like that, we would run out of our resources, and then God would show up. It happened again and again and again... until it didn't... but that is for the next part.

The Story Of Me... Part 1

My life has been a very weird, crazy experience, filled with lots of ups and downs, twists and turns, happiness and depression, and lots and lots of ADD! I decided it would be a good idea to share my story through this blog for a couple of reasons. 1: To have a record of it here to always be able to look back on, and add to. 2: To be able to share with my new church family just who I am, and where I am coming from. I love sharing what all God has done in my life with people so if you have any questions about anything please feel free to shoot me a message!

I was born into a Christian home. My mom was a stay-at-home Mom (somehow she survived raising and homeschooling me) and my dad was a volunteer worship leader on and off throughout my childhood. I was told I accepted Christ at a very young age (I say I was told because I don't truly remember). I do remember continually getting saved in the back of the van by myself on the way to summer camp every year, because I wanted to be sure that I could tell my counselor that I was a Christian. I did all the good homeschooled Christian kid things: volunteered places, went to Awanas, and helped with sound and slides at church. I was at church every time the doors were open... mostly because we were the ones opening the doors... Everything in my life was great... until I turned 19...

My Freshman year of college was when my faith began to slip apart. I was attending George Fox University pursuing a degree in video production. I quickly learned that it is so much easier to lay in bed on a Sunday morning and watch football than it is to go to church. My first year of college I went to church all of 3 times. Twice at the beginning of the first semester, and once in the second semester because my Dad was visiting me. Without anyone prompting me to pursue a relationship with God, it just fell to the wayside, but I didn't really realize it at the time, because in my eyes I was still a much better person than the majority of the guys on the hall of my christian university. 

Starting in spring of 2012 is when everything really began to fall apart. My Dog died, the transition to college didn't go well, and I lost the scholarship that was allowing me to be able to afford to go to school. So suddenly the next three years of my life that I had planned out were gone. Because of that I found myself at home, not really knowing what to do I went back to volunteer at camp as the video production guy. It was an odd summer serving in ministry because I didn't really know where my faith stood at the time. I was at a crossroads and I knew it. I either needed to buckle down and truly pursue God and a relationship with him, or give it up. Little did I know that life was going to slap me in the face one more time that year, a lot harder than it had ever before. 

I remember the morning of July 9th very very clearly. I had eaten breakfast down in the dining hall and had left early to head up to my "office" (a broom closet in the barn). I was grabbing my camera, batteries, memory cards and everything else I would need for that day, when I decided to hop on Facebook for a bit because there was still some time before campers arrived. The first post that greeted me was a post from my best friends Dad, stating that Martin had not been seen since Friday night, and they had just found his car, with his keys and wallet still in it, down at the bridge down by the river. He was asking for volunteers to help the search and rescue team that was arriving that afternoon. 

At that moment I began bargaining with God, I threw out the classic "I will read my Bible regularly" and more, just so long as Martin was found and was ok... but that didn't happen. On Thursday night, July 12th, they called off the search, and I lost it. I was mad. I decided that God either wasn't real, or at least didn't care. People at camp knew what had happened, but I didn't let anyone know what was going on in my head. 

Fast forward to one week later. July 19th. I am running sound for worship that night, and the worship team is singing "How he loves us". Im sitting there listening to it, and I throw one final challenge up to God, "God, if You really are real, and You really do care, and You really do love us, I don't feel it right now, and I don't understand". I still can't accurately describe what happened next... just that a feeling of total love, acceptance, and comfort surrounded me. It truly was a supernatural experience with God that night. 

God didn't fulfill His end of the bargain that I had been trying to make with Him, instead he had a much better plan that I just couldn't see at the time. That moment was the major pivot point in my life. I began to truly pursue a personal relationship with God. It made me have a passion for ministry, to try to help show people that all encompassing love of God. It re-directed my future plans. Did that moment magically fix everything in my life? No, but it was a start. It has been a continual journey since to actively pursue after God and what He has for me. 

Anyways this is the end of part one of my story. How my life had to fall apart, so that God could begin working on creating something beautiful out of the mess that it was.  

Things never change, and yet they change a lot.

 We did it! We made it to Alaska! It was a long drive that we made a little longer, but we did it! (By we, I mean kath and I, Bethany and the kids get here in a couple of days) Nothing too eventful happened on the drive, aside from a ton of animals for one day in Canada (3 caribou, 2 moose, 5 bears, 2 porcupine, 2 bison herds, and… more stuff but I can’t remember). 

Because I was traveling with my sister, instead of driving directly to the MatSu valley we decided to swing up and spend a day in the Delta/Fairbanks/North Pole area, and man was it a huge nostalgia trip. So much has changed, and yet everything is still the exact same. We visited friends and mentors that we haven’t seen in 7 or more years, as well as stopped at Camp Li-Wa, where we both grew up going to camp, and were also summer staff at (and where I met Bethany). 

When driving out of Fairbanks on our way to Palmer we both sat in silence for a while, both of us lost in our own thoughts, reminiscing about the past (yes everyone, Kath was actually quiet for a bit! I know its hard to imagine, but its true!). When we did start talking we talked about growing up. Who we were when we left Delta Junction, the ideals we held, and who we thought we would be and what we thought we would be doing at the age we are now. Let me tell you many of those things have changed drastically. 

I will not get into Kath’s story, as that is hers if she wants to share at some point, but I will share mine. When I left Delta I was a shell, the year before had gutted me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I was trying to pick up the pieces of who I was and put myself back together again. The year before I had lost my faith, and then re-found it, and was trying to figure out what this new faith looked like. I was fighting depression and losing. There was a lot of loss, but also a lot of hope ahead. 

Driving through these areas brought a lot of these memories back. The nostalgia and emotions were very very real, but so was the joy. Though everything God had brought me to He has continued to shape and mold me into who He wants me to be. Since then my goals and dreams in life have completely changed. Much like the areas we were visiting, nothing had changed, but at the same time so much has changed. Things have collapsed and been destroyed and re-built, or are in the process of being re-built into something so much more beautiful. 

When I left Alaska as my home (aka when I left Delta, not when i left after Alaska Bible College), I didn’t have a lot of hope, or joy. I now find myself, 10 years later, returning to Alaska filled with hope, joy, and excitement for the things to come. I am excited to see how God continues to work in my life, as I continue to learn and grow in Him. 

Anyways, I apologize if this seemed like just word vomit, because honestly it is. Normally I will go back through and edit my posts and re-arrange them but for this one I’m just throwing it out there, because that’s what I feel I need to do with one. It’s the raw thoughts from my head, vomited out onto the screen for you to read. 

I know I have said this before, but I am planning on writing here more. It’s a “muscle” I do want to stretch and work on. In the future they will go back to being edited again, but for now this is what you get!

-BJ

I Have Color

So my family was sitting down and watching the movie Trolls the other night. There is one part of the movie where all of the trolls get sad and lose all of their color. My two year old was confused as to what was happening so I leaned over and told her “they are sad so they are losing their color”. Then, in typical movie form, they sing a song and become happy again. As they are singing they begin to regain their color, so I leaned over and said “they are happy again, so now they have color.”. At that point my daughter pulls the neck of her pajamas out a little, looks down, simply states, “I have color”, and then casually goes back to watching the movie. Some of you know that I struggle with depression; the week that this happened I was down really bad, but that simple statement, “I have color” really affected me. 

“I have color” hit me in a very profound way. In a kids movie it's all about singing and getting their happiness back, but to me it is a lot more. It was a simple statement made by my two year old about how everything is ok. I still have my life, I still have my family, I’m (mostly) healthy, I have color. When depression hits, it hits me like a giant gray, wet, blanket. It smothers everything and sucks the joy out of life. Because of this I often retreat into myself and/or lash out in anger. My emotions go haywire, BUT I have color. Even though my world is tinted gray, I know it is not reality. Outside of the gray wet blanket of depression there is color, and there is joy.  I have color. 

Another fact about me, I’m red-green color blind. Now this doesn’t mean that I can’t see red or green, it just means that I perceive them differently than the average person. I don’t see as much color, and I see a lot more browns and grays. One thing I have learned over the last few years is that I also see people very differently. I don’t see the subtle differences in shades of skin color. I see people in very muted tones. All of that changed a few years ago. Technology and science is pretty crazy, and they now make glasses for people that are colorblind and helps them see normal colorings. My in-laws got me a pair of these glasses a few years ago and, man, let me tell you what, colors are crazy and kind of overwhelming. People have all sorts of different shades to them!!!! It’s crazy! Colors are absolutely insane!

I like to imagine life without God is like being color blind. Is there still color (joy)? Yes, but its not full color, or full joy. In John 15, Jesus is talking about how He is the true vine and how we need to abide in His love. He tells us these things so that “…your joy may be full” (John 15:11b). When our joy is full in Jesus, we see true color, not the dull muted color blind colors, but colors in all of their full scale beauty! We have full joy!

When I am struggling with depression and I am seeing life through that gray blanket, with God I can still see that joy on the other side. I may not feel it at the time, but I can still see that it is there, and it gives me hope and something to reach for in those dark times. I can look down and say, “I have color,” because my hope and joy is found in Christ.

Now I have tried to handle depression without God, and it is a dark, lonely time. It’s like life as a color blind person covered in a gray blanket. There is no color that shines through to give hope. It’s dark. It’s gray. It’s lonely. I look down and I don’t have color. There is no joy to be found. 

So if your joy isn’t found in Christ, I want to encourage you to pursue getting to know Him personally. Not just through book studies, not just through Sunday mornings, but through prayer and personal Bible study, get to know HIM not just what others think of Him. Find your “color” in Him. That color never fades, you can always look down and say “I have color.”

Musings about my church history

So this blog is really just turning into an account of my reflections on my life as I am thinking through and sorting through a lot of stuff in my life. So this section focuses on church. Please not a lot of this is just me sorting through my thoughts and putting them down on paper. Writing helps me think so I figured I might as well share my word vomits with you all. Im not really doing too much editing to my recent posts because it is really just me throwing my thoughts onto paper.

So all of this began back when my family originally moved to Delta Junction. We were in a new town and began the quest to find a new church (I say “quest” because if you have ever had to try to find a new church it can be quite the adventure.). After exploring some we finally felt that God had called us to Living Waters Assemble of God (LWAG for short). Now my family had never attended an Assemble of God church before, so it was weird that we did land there. Eventually they found out that my Dad had lead worship before, and asked him to lead worship for the church. It was a very small congregation and they had been singing hymns acappella when we had originally started going. So my Dad began to lean worship, and less than a year after we had started going the pastor abruptly left on very short notice. When this happened the congregation turned to the one other person who had regularly been on stage, my Dad. So low and behold, after attending this church for less than a year, and without even being members (long story) we suddenly found ourselves leading this church. Over the years interm pastors came and went, most never stayed more than a couple months, so through all of this my family still pretty much ran everything. 

After a few years my Dad decided to begin pursuing ordination in the Assembly of God church. It was a couple years worth of classes, I took a few random ones with him. It was a lot of work but something we all truly thought was worth it. Those two years went by, a few more temporary pastors came and went, and it finally was time for my Dads final test/interview. He aced the final test, but after the interview they said that they “failed to see the calling to ministry” in my Dads life and because of that he needed to do a year long internship if he wished to continue pursuing ordination. If you knew my dad at the time, you would know that that is total crap, he disagreed on a few things doctrinally that should not have been considered as breaking points, but to them they were (My Dad still has the letter somewhere, we laugh about it now). 

Over the next couple of years, a new pastor was found, however my family was not huge fans of this new pastor. It slowly became clear that he and his wife were also not necessarily fans of us as well. We ended up leaving this church that we had poured our blood sweat and tears into for so many years, essentially because of a few inconsequential doctrinal disagreements, and that we were no longer wanted there by the leadership. Looking back I know my family leaving was needed for the church to (eventually) grow (although it actually shrunk under that pastor, but I digress). I looked up LWAG on Facebook the other day and was genuinely excited to see a thriving congregation there!

After leaving LWAG we started attending another church in the community for a while, but then I went to college. Man let me tell you what, it is a lot easier to sleep in till 10am, and then wake up and watch football (I was in Oregon so football games started at 10am) than it was to try to go find a church. If I am being honest, part of it was being lazy, and part of it was not wanting to get attached to a church and then hurt again. Continuing that trend I found ways to avoid becoming attached to any church body. If I found myself at a church I would just kinda shut down and stay quiet. Being at home or summer staff at camp or at a Bible college you were expected to go to church, and I would,  but mentally I was not there at all. Even after Jesus truly got ahold of my life church never really took an important role for me. I would just shove it to the side and avoid participating as much as possible.

After moving to Michigan to begin working in full time camp ministry I knew I needed to try to find somewhere to go to church, once again mostly because it was what was expected of me, and not entirely what I wanted to do. I did my best to try to find somewhere that I fit in and actually tried to participate. Being in camping it is hard to become active in a church, or even remembered by people as you are in and out of church so often because of responsibilities at camp. I attended one church off and on for a few years, but was never really known there. I would have people come up and introduce themselves to me and ask if I was new every few months (and this was a church of a little over 100 people at the time). I once again gave up on church, it was easier to stay home and get a little more rest on Sundays than put in the effort to just not be known at all. 

Fast forward to a few years ago, one of our friends that had been in camping had recently taken a youth pastor position at a church about 40 minuets away. While it was a good distance from us, we decided to give it a go. We attended as much as we could over the spring and shortly before summer, where we can’t really make it to church for almost 3 months, they had a new attendees lunch. We got to meet the pastoral staff that we didn’t know yet and explain who we were and how we would be disappearing for a few months because of camp. We didn’t make it back to that church until their annual “Tailgate” service (its a big outdoor service with baptisms, a grilling competition, cornhole, and all around good time). I ended up in line for seconds next to the head pastor. When he turned and saw me I was greeted with an enthusiastic “Good to have you back! How was camp this summer?”. For him, it was just a simple pleasantry, making conversation in line for food, but to me it meant the world. Someone at church actually remembered who I was. For what seemed like the first time in years I felt like I was seen. 

It has taken me a while to work through my weird past with church, but having attended a healthy church for a few years now it has helped remind me how important church really is. Not just church on Sunday morning, but church as a community of Gods people to help keep each other accountable, help grow one another, and spur them on in faith. I realized that a healthy church community is needed (and commanded, but im not gonna get into that right now) to help push you, challenge you, and help grow your faith and relationship with God. It is not the only thing that should be doing those things, but it is a key part of it, and I had not had that for a very very long time. While we still are not able to attend on a regular basis, we are known and loved by our church and have been able to start taking part in some of the ministries available to us.

I also just want to take a quick moment to thank the pastoral staff over at Brown Corners for everything. They have gone above and beyond making my family feel welcome and loved. You have no idea how much it means to us.

Anyways… don’t be like me… get out of bed and go be active in your church. 

29

    So little know fact, I turned 29 today, and with that realization has come a lot of reflecting. If you would have asked 19 year old me where I would be and what I would be doing at 29 he would have absolutely no idea. He would have guessed I would be doing something with video production, hopefully making music videos and going on tours with bands, and I would live wherever that lead me. He would say I would probably still be single because that lifestyle doesn’t really work well for relationships (and he had unconsciously given up on ever having a relationship). 

    When I was 19 is when my life radically changed. I lost a lot that year. I failed out of college. I lost both my Dog and my best friend. I lost my faith in God (although it had been crumbling for quite a while, I just hadn’t realized). I learned that I was going to be forced out of my parents house (not by them, but by the government… long story). Everything that I knew when I was younger pretty much was all washed away when I was 19. 

    But there was one truly life changing event when I was 19. That summer is when I truly gave my life to God. The faith that I had grown up with hadn’t truly been in God, instead it had been in the faith my parents held. It had been in the faith of others in my church. It had been the faith of my friend group. It had been the faith of the camp I grew up going to. It was the faith that I was expended to have. In 2012 I watched as that faith crumbled, because it hadn’t been built in Christ. I also got to build a faith that was truly my own, and a true dependance on God to be my one true foundation. 

    I don’t really know what im trying to get across with this, other than just doing some reflection over the last ten years. My life is radically different than it was at 19, and it is so different, and so much better than I could have imagined at 19. Im working my dream job, which I never even considered then. I am married to an amazing woman and we have two awesome kids. It is crazy to look back and see how God guided and directed me ever since I truly turned my life over to him. 

    If I could give any advice to 19 year old me… or really any 19 year old, it would be to not become so focused on what you think you need to do to be successful, but instead to stay open to what God has for you. At this point in life it is so easy to focus on what is culturally expected of you (go to college or trade school, get a good paying job) that it is so easy to get focused on yourself instead of keeping your eyes on God and the plans He has for you.