I Have Color

So my family was sitting down and watching the movie Trolls the other night. There is one part of the movie where all of the trolls get sad and lose all of their color. My two year old was confused as to what was happening so I leaned over and told her “they are sad so they are losing their color”. Then, in typical movie form, they sing a song and become happy again. As they are singing they begin to regain their color, so I leaned over and said “they are happy again, so now they have color.”. At that point my daughter pulls the neck of her pajamas out a little, looks down, simply states, “I have color”, and then casually goes back to watching the movie. Some of you know that I struggle with depression; the week that this happened I was down really bad, but that simple statement, “I have color” really affected me. 

“I have color” hit me in a very profound way. In a kids movie it's all about singing and getting their happiness back, but to me it is a lot more. It was a simple statement made by my two year old about how everything is ok. I still have my life, I still have my family, I’m (mostly) healthy, I have color. When depression hits, it hits me like a giant gray, wet, blanket. It smothers everything and sucks the joy out of life. Because of this I often retreat into myself and/or lash out in anger. My emotions go haywire, BUT I have color. Even though my world is tinted gray, I know it is not reality. Outside of the gray wet blanket of depression there is color, and there is joy.  I have color. 

Another fact about me, I’m red-green color blind. Now this doesn’t mean that I can’t see red or green, it just means that I perceive them differently than the average person. I don’t see as much color, and I see a lot more browns and grays. One thing I have learned over the last few years is that I also see people very differently. I don’t see the subtle differences in shades of skin color. I see people in very muted tones. All of that changed a few years ago. Technology and science is pretty crazy, and they now make glasses for people that are colorblind and helps them see normal colorings. My in-laws got me a pair of these glasses a few years ago and, man, let me tell you what, colors are crazy and kind of overwhelming. People have all sorts of different shades to them!!!! It’s crazy! Colors are absolutely insane!

I like to imagine life without God is like being color blind. Is there still color (joy)? Yes, but its not full color, or full joy. In John 15, Jesus is talking about how He is the true vine and how we need to abide in His love. He tells us these things so that “…your joy may be full” (John 15:11b). When our joy is full in Jesus, we see true color, not the dull muted color blind colors, but colors in all of their full scale beauty! We have full joy!

When I am struggling with depression and I am seeing life through that gray blanket, with God I can still see that joy on the other side. I may not feel it at the time, but I can still see that it is there, and it gives me hope and something to reach for in those dark times. I can look down and say, “I have color,” because my hope and joy is found in Christ.

Now I have tried to handle depression without God, and it is a dark, lonely time. It’s like life as a color blind person covered in a gray blanket. There is no color that shines through to give hope. It’s dark. It’s gray. It’s lonely. I look down and I don’t have color. There is no joy to be found. 

So if your joy isn’t found in Christ, I want to encourage you to pursue getting to know Him personally. Not just through book studies, not just through Sunday mornings, but through prayer and personal Bible study, get to know HIM not just what others think of Him. Find your “color” in Him. That color never fades, you can always look down and say “I have color.”

Musings about my church history

So this blog is really just turning into an account of my reflections on my life as I am thinking through and sorting through a lot of stuff in my life. So this section focuses on church. Please not a lot of this is just me sorting through my thoughts and putting them down on paper. Writing helps me think so I figured I might as well share my word vomits with you all. Im not really doing too much editing to my recent posts because it is really just me throwing my thoughts onto paper.

So all of this began back when my family originally moved to Delta Junction. We were in a new town and began the quest to find a new church (I say “quest” because if you have ever had to try to find a new church it can be quite the adventure.). After exploring some we finally felt that God had called us to Living Waters Assemble of God (LWAG for short). Now my family had never attended an Assemble of God church before, so it was weird that we did land there. Eventually they found out that my Dad had lead worship before, and asked him to lead worship for the church. It was a very small congregation and they had been singing hymns acappella when we had originally started going. So my Dad began to lean worship, and less than a year after we had started going the pastor abruptly left on very short notice. When this happened the congregation turned to the one other person who had regularly been on stage, my Dad. So low and behold, after attending this church for less than a year, and without even being members (long story) we suddenly found ourselves leading this church. Over the years interm pastors came and went, most never stayed more than a couple months, so through all of this my family still pretty much ran everything. 

After a few years my Dad decided to begin pursuing ordination in the Assembly of God church. It was a couple years worth of classes, I took a few random ones with him. It was a lot of work but something we all truly thought was worth it. Those two years went by, a few more temporary pastors came and went, and it finally was time for my Dads final test/interview. He aced the final test, but after the interview they said that they “failed to see the calling to ministry” in my Dads life and because of that he needed to do a year long internship if he wished to continue pursuing ordination. If you knew my dad at the time, you would know that that is total crap, he disagreed on a few things doctrinally that should not have been considered as breaking points, but to them they were (My Dad still has the letter somewhere, we laugh about it now). 

Over the next couple of years, a new pastor was found, however my family was not huge fans of this new pastor. It slowly became clear that he and his wife were also not necessarily fans of us as well. We ended up leaving this church that we had poured our blood sweat and tears into for so many years, essentially because of a few inconsequential doctrinal disagreements, and that we were no longer wanted there by the leadership. Looking back I know my family leaving was needed for the church to (eventually) grow (although it actually shrunk under that pastor, but I digress). I looked up LWAG on Facebook the other day and was genuinely excited to see a thriving congregation there!

After leaving LWAG we started attending another church in the community for a while, but then I went to college. Man let me tell you what, it is a lot easier to sleep in till 10am, and then wake up and watch football (I was in Oregon so football games started at 10am) than it was to try to go find a church. If I am being honest, part of it was being lazy, and part of it was not wanting to get attached to a church and then hurt again. Continuing that trend I found ways to avoid becoming attached to any church body. If I found myself at a church I would just kinda shut down and stay quiet. Being at home or summer staff at camp or at a Bible college you were expected to go to church, and I would,  but mentally I was not there at all. Even after Jesus truly got ahold of my life church never really took an important role for me. I would just shove it to the side and avoid participating as much as possible.

After moving to Michigan to begin working in full time camp ministry I knew I needed to try to find somewhere to go to church, once again mostly because it was what was expected of me, and not entirely what I wanted to do. I did my best to try to find somewhere that I fit in and actually tried to participate. Being in camping it is hard to become active in a church, or even remembered by people as you are in and out of church so often because of responsibilities at camp. I attended one church off and on for a few years, but was never really known there. I would have people come up and introduce themselves to me and ask if I was new every few months (and this was a church of a little over 100 people at the time). I once again gave up on church, it was easier to stay home and get a little more rest on Sundays than put in the effort to just not be known at all. 

Fast forward to a few years ago, one of our friends that had been in camping had recently taken a youth pastor position at a church about 40 minuets away. While it was a good distance from us, we decided to give it a go. We attended as much as we could over the spring and shortly before summer, where we can’t really make it to church for almost 3 months, they had a new attendees lunch. We got to meet the pastoral staff that we didn’t know yet and explain who we were and how we would be disappearing for a few months because of camp. We didn’t make it back to that church until their annual “Tailgate” service (its a big outdoor service with baptisms, a grilling competition, cornhole, and all around good time). I ended up in line for seconds next to the head pastor. When he turned and saw me I was greeted with an enthusiastic “Good to have you back! How was camp this summer?”. For him, it was just a simple pleasantry, making conversation in line for food, but to me it meant the world. Someone at church actually remembered who I was. For what seemed like the first time in years I felt like I was seen. 

It has taken me a while to work through my weird past with church, but having attended a healthy church for a few years now it has helped remind me how important church really is. Not just church on Sunday morning, but church as a community of Gods people to help keep each other accountable, help grow one another, and spur them on in faith. I realized that a healthy church community is needed (and commanded, but im not gonna get into that right now) to help push you, challenge you, and help grow your faith and relationship with God. It is not the only thing that should be doing those things, but it is a key part of it, and I had not had that for a very very long time. While we still are not able to attend on a regular basis, we are known and loved by our church and have been able to start taking part in some of the ministries available to us.

I also just want to take a quick moment to thank the pastoral staff over at Brown Corners for everything. They have gone above and beyond making my family feel welcome and loved. You have no idea how much it means to us.

Anyways… don’t be like me… get out of bed and go be active in your church. 

29

    So little know fact, I turned 29 today, and with that realization has come a lot of reflecting. If you would have asked 19 year old me where I would be and what I would be doing at 29 he would have absolutely no idea. He would have guessed I would be doing something with video production, hopefully making music videos and going on tours with bands, and I would live wherever that lead me. He would say I would probably still be single because that lifestyle doesn’t really work well for relationships (and he had unconsciously given up on ever having a relationship). 

    When I was 19 is when my life radically changed. I lost a lot that year. I failed out of college. I lost both my Dog and my best friend. I lost my faith in God (although it had been crumbling for quite a while, I just hadn’t realized). I learned that I was going to be forced out of my parents house (not by them, but by the government… long story). Everything that I knew when I was younger pretty much was all washed away when I was 19. 

    But there was one truly life changing event when I was 19. That summer is when I truly gave my life to God. The faith that I had grown up with hadn’t truly been in God, instead it had been in the faith my parents held. It had been in the faith of others in my church. It had been the faith of my friend group. It had been the faith of the camp I grew up going to. It was the faith that I was expended to have. In 2012 I watched as that faith crumbled, because it hadn’t been built in Christ. I also got to build a faith that was truly my own, and a true dependance on God to be my one true foundation. 

    I don’t really know what im trying to get across with this, other than just doing some reflection over the last ten years. My life is radically different than it was at 19, and it is so different, and so much better than I could have imagined at 19. Im working my dream job, which I never even considered then. I am married to an amazing woman and we have two awesome kids. It is crazy to look back and see how God guided and directed me ever since I truly turned my life over to him. 

    If I could give any advice to 19 year old me… or really any 19 year old, it would be to not become so focused on what you think you need to do to be successful, but instead to stay open to what God has for you. At this point in life it is so easy to focus on what is culturally expected of you (go to college or trade school, get a good paying job) that it is so easy to get focused on yourself instead of keeping your eyes on God and the plans He has for you.